Mum: Hi Stu, only me, your mum.
Me: ‘sup homie?
Mum: I have a computer question and your dad isn’t here. He’s gone to B&Q to buy more things he’ll never use.
Me: Ok, shoot.
Mum: The computer. It doesn’t… it doesn’t… work. Any more. It used to work, but now I can’t turn it on. Since this morning, actually.
Me: Oh, right. Ummm… have you hit the power button?
Mum: Well yeah, of course I have. I’ve pressed all the buttons on the front. I’m not a complete div.
Me: Ok. Have you tried the monitor? Press the power button on the monitor and see if the on-light changes.
Mum: Right. *various clicking noises* No, nothing’s happening.
Me: Maybe you’ve kicked a lead out or something. Can you have a look down the back and make sure the power lead is still plugged in?
Mum: *shuffling noises. Mum groans arthritically*I can’t see the leads. I can’t see anything down there.
Me: What do you mean?
Mum: It’s too dark to see anything.
Me: Turn a light on.
Mum: I can’t. There’s a powercut.
Me: … … …
Me: … … …
Mum: Stu? Are you still there?
Me: … … Mum, of course the computer won’t work in a powercut, you fucking moomin.
Mum: Well, my iphone still works…
Me: … I think we need to see other people.